You Could Never Understand
by PratClotpoleDollopHeadQueen
Summary: Short one shot about Freya. Originally supposed to be about Merlin telling Arthur about Freya, but that didn't happen. Nothing about how she died in here, no warnings or anything that need to be given. Anyways, enjoy. Disclaimer: I DO NOT OWN MERLIN
_**A/N:**_ Hi all! This is a short one shot that I felt compelled to write. I felt annoyed when Merlin didn't tell Arthur about Freya in S2 E9 _Lady of the Lake_ but I knew why. I was just mad that he couldn't. Anyways, my original idea for this was for it to be about Merlin telling Arthur about Freya and that that was why he had been upset, but instead I just wrote and actually like it so I didn't change it. Just a one shot but I hope you enjoy. For those of you who are reading my other fic, Some Wounds Never Fully Heal, I will probably update that tonight as well, I'm just having a bit of writer's block for that at the moment. This AN is WAY too long so I'll end it here thanks! And please review!

Merlin couldn't believe that she was gone. Some days were better than others. Freya had given Merlin's life new meaning. Merlin was finally needed, and _wanted_. Merlin couldn't remember, within the last year that he had been in Camelot, ever being wanted. Sure he had Gaius, but that was a completely different relationship. Gaius was like a father to Merlin, and sure he had Arthur and his destiny, but Merlin was never recognized for saving Arthur. Merlin didn't _want_ to be recognized, but nobody ever said thank you. A lot of times Merlin felt very alone and didn't know how to feel. Now that Freya was gone, one of the very rare few people that acknowledged that they needed Merlin or wanted Merlin around, he didn't know what to do with himself. He couldn't skip out on his duties as Arthur's manservant, and he knew Arthur would never understand if Merlin told him about it, besides, Merlin would probably be hung for conspiring with Freya. Freya. Uther didn't even know her name. Yes, Merlin understood that she was killing people, but Uther knew that she had been cursed. Obviously she didn't cast the curse on _herself_. It wasn't her choice! Gods, Merlin just wished that he could talk to _someone._ He had already spoken to Gaius and he knew he didn't approve of Merlin helping the girl, but Merlin couldn't help himself. He knew that if he had been the one in that cage he would want someone to help him too. He just couldn't imagine why Freya would have ever thought that she deserved the punishment. She was perfect in Merlin's eyes...Freya was perfect.

"Ah! Merlin, I've been looking for you." Arthur came in quietly, not loud or shouting any orders or ridiculous chores that Merlin would have to complete.

Merlin stopped him before he could go any further. "Yeah, right. You're going to ask me to polish your armor and to wash your clothes, and clean your room," Merlin could have gone on and he knew this was his duty as a servant, but he was a little disappointed that Arthur hadn't noticed why he was upset, or even that he _was_ upset.

Arthur sat down on the floor next to Merlin and put his arms over his knees, in a relaxed position. "Something's been upsetting you, hasn't it?" Arthur asked sounding a bit puzzled as both boys listened to the soft rubbing on the leather boots as Merlin was polishing Arthur's.

Merlin got a bit excited for a moment, but didn't let it show on his face. No, Merlin couldn't do that in front of Arthur. He thought about telling him what was bothering him but decided to keep that secret for a while longer. _Until the time is right_ , Merlin reminded himself. _That's what you keep telling yourself dollop head._ "Maybe."

Arthur thought for a moment. This was his manservant, Merlin. Harmless Merlin who didn't have a care in the world besides taking care of Arthur and serving him...okay so he had a few cares, but nothing usually kept him down, not an insult in the world could _really_ insult Merlin. He was always...fine. "Was it when I threw water over you?"

Merlin thought he was finally getting the hang of reading people. Arthur, that is. Merlin was so wrong. He gave a small chuckle to himself and shook his head once, but Arthur didn't notice. Merlin thought again about telling Arthur what was really bothering him, but he knew Arthur could never understand. He had to tell someone though. "It wasn't very nice." Merlin smiled sadly.

"No I suppose it wasn't," Arthur replied with a grin "But that's not it is it. You're still sad. Something like that can't be all that's wrong."

Maybe Merlin was right. Maybe Arthur was getting good at this whole _friend_ thing after all. But Merlin didn't even know if Arthur considered him a friend. It didn't matter. "No." Merlin said, he felt a pang of sadness come over him quickly and he put Arthur's newly polished boot down. "But it's alright." Merlin lied. His voice was on the verge of cracking and that was a sign of weakness, and Arthur would know he was lying. He cleared his throat, there, threat diminished "It's over now. Everything will go back to normal. It will return to the way things should be." Merlin hated lying to everyone. He couldn't stand it, but Arthur would never understand.

Arthur nodded and a sly grin appeared on his face. "Ahh. I see. I understand how difficult it is to get over a _girl_ Merlin. You could have just told me about it. What was she like? Why did you two part ways? Was it your fault or hers?" Arthur chuckled. He liked this.

Merlin was upset now. He could feel the hot tears in his eyes now. They were threatening to spill over the edge. Merlin looked away, not wanting Arthur to see the tears in his eyes. He ignored the questions about her...about Freya. He didn't want to answer them. Not right now. _Not until the time is right, Merlin._ Merlin said sadly "You could never understand." He got up quickly and walked out of the room with a single tear trickling down his face. Arthur could _never_ understand.


End file.
